Just me :$

Today, am arranging this family gathering cause my brother is moving to USA this week. Well it is bothering me for two weeks ever since he reserved that ticket now but i am not a person who can express how much. I would prefer to write hidden drafts about how i feel than saying it out loud, what is annoying about me which i am aware of. The most people i really care about either i barely tell them any word of affection which they may think they are not special to me at all, or even if when i get nervous i would say the entire opposite to just shut them out. The fact that i don't do sometimes, that i get scared that if i picked a moment and said such thing & they didn't appreciate it & it hurted me it will make me think least of them & just end up losing them which i won't handle to have so, i just remain silent & get more into actions. So, if i shared an emotion with a person then that one is definetly special. Anyways, back to the fact that my brother is leaving so, the only thing am doing is that i take days off or leave work early, get to ask him what he needs to pack up, or if he wants to go out, ...etc or remain silent. This morning me, him & mommy sitting and chatting where he all of a sudden says, you know you use to be an extreme control freak that you irritated me, i said "how is that?" And he said remember when went to this day use trip just us without our parents and i got lost, you were like crazy turning this place upside down and when you found me you ran after me shouting and wanted to punch me. I burst out laughing, and i was like yeah that was a scary moment for me. Then he continued "well you are not like that anymore, a bit mature, but still you have this little control thing, especially when you care & afraid to lose someone & i am gonna miss that". I was in my mind " No No No No No! am not doing this" i just hopped up and said mom, am going to reserve the table for our outing Today, their phone is not reachable.